Marriage

Marriage has always being a very strange, interesting thought for me. Since I was little until about the time that I was in high school, I, my parents, and my parent's friends told me not to get married. I was always persistent to the idea that I wouldn't.

For as long as I can remember, I've been very independent and focused on the goals of my future, I used to think marriage was an unnecessary distraction from the dreams I had. My parents have been together for about 23 years but they are not legally (or happily, at that!) married. In fact, as far as I know, most of my parent's friends are not legally married. Most have been with their partners for a good number of years but the only thing that seems to bind any of them are their children.

I used to think this was the norm. That even if you're not legally married, that fact that were living with your partner AND had children (after living together for a while) gave you the total right to call your partner your "spouse." Well, actually, I still think the above; the difference is that now, I don't want that to be MY norm.

While at my parent's friend's wedding this weekend, as I watched the couple of 8 years about to become (officially) husband and wife, I realized with more certainty than ever that I some day wish to be married.

At the tender age of 18, I realize it may sound like I don't know what I'm talking about when I say that. Truth of the matter is that I probably DON'T fully understand what it means to be married...but I think I have a (or some) good idea(s):

----Being in love does not guarantee a happy marriage. It guarantees a flame, a passion, but not the eventual lack of common ground. People are constantly changing, even when they're "grown ups." It is important to be able to distinguish mutual love from mutual interests [does that make any sense??? It does to me =)].
 ----As my dad says, marriage is not just about sleeping warm at night. What I take from this, is that there are problems a marriage has to face, some problems will deal with the couple against the world, others will deal with the marriage's survival, and others will deal with spouse vs spouse. And taking my dad's comment somewhat out of context, I believe it is important for a couple to ALWAYS sleep together. No matter what has gone on in the day (of course, with the exception of extreme conditions such as adultery or domestic abuse), I believe the bed of a married couple is one of the most vital pieces of furniture in the house.
 ----Sex is important in a marriage. It should definitely not be the focus of a marriage, but the mutual love and the covenant of marriage makes sex the most (or at least one of the most) intimate, soul touching experience that a marriage needs to survive.
----There are other things, but this is it for this time!

        A couple days ago I was going through some of my old stuff that I stubbornly refuse to throw away. (I'm an organized pack rat who loves to hang on to the most minuscule memories.) And I ran across a list I made sometime when I was in jr high. This list was a ridiculous list of a tween (me!) with all the traits she looked for in "the perfect guy." I finally got rid of it because it was just so embarrassing to read these unbelievable thoughts that were so innocent, but I remember some of the traits listed: athletic but not an all about sports guy, smart but not a nerd, sensitive but manly, color eyes, taller than me but not too tall, friendly, and other traits I can no longer recall.
        I like to think I've grown up a lot since then. Unlike the girl then who was yearning to have a boyfriend, I actually have a boyfriend now, and I have to say, he is rather far from the "dream guy" I described to myself over 5 years ago. He is not very athletic. The only sport he plays is tennis and that's mostly (though not only) b/c I dragged him with me one day and he ended up having fun. But I can beat him in a match any day. He is very intelligent but he is very nerdy! (Something that I actually like a lot now.) He is sensitive as well, but he does not fit my jr high idea of "manly." Color eyes? Brown. Taller but not too tall? Well, depends on what  "too tall" is. What do you call a half a foot difference in height?
        It's really funny to think that even at that age I was already thinking of my dream guy, that I created these expectations that guys had to meet, expectations that had almost nothing to do with personality. I think a lot of the reason why this was so was because my best friend at the time was really into magazines, and I had a really fun time taking those obnoxious magazine tests that give you such superficial answers to the superficial questions of love, answers that made me create such a shallow list.
        At such a tender age I was already longing for a boyfriend. I often wonder if it was the same for guys. I mean, at that age, were they looking for a girlfriend or did they still want to play toy cars? Did they have a list of what a perfect girl was? If so, was it also a superficial list when we were still going through puberty and the girls around them didn't have hips or bust yet? What was a "perfect girl" to a jr high student just coming out of elementary school?
        As I said earlier, I'd like to think I've grown up a lot since then. Though I believe all humans are afraid of being alone, having a boyfriend isn't that big of a worry to me anymore. One, because I actually have one now; two, because I realize that my career comes before I am ready to find a boyfriend that will be a potential spouse; and three, personality comes before superficial answers given in magazines. 

From about the time we hit puberty and peer acceptance becomes even more important than before, we are often told to not care about what others say or think about us. And many of us live by that motto: I don't care what anyone thinks about me. But is that really true?

Should we not care what our neighbors think? Should we not care what our parents, siblings, family, or teachers think of us? After all, a lot of the previously mentioned hold, to an extent, part of our future in their hands. I, personally, think that it is an exaggeration when someone says, "I don't care what anyone thinks of me." If that is so, why are people so concerned with behaving properly in the particular situations at hand? "I don't want my boss to think I'm irresponsible", "I don't want my teacher to think I'm dumb", "I don't want my boyfriend to think I'm am 'easy.'" Whether we realize it or not, we all care about what AT LEAST one person thinks. So the question, to me, really becomes, how much influence do we let people have upon us?

Does authority, say a boss or a teacher, have more or less influence than a friend or sibling? How much do their opinions affect us and/or change our way of thinking?

From personal experience this weekend, I found that my mom has more influence on me than anybody else, including my boyfriend. How much does her opinion change my way of thinking? It changes it a lot. More than I wish it did. I think I care a little TOO much about what she has to say. And all this came from a shirt.

On Saturday, my boyfriend and I went to the store and I bought a shirt. I thought it was very pretty and my boyfriend seemed to like it, too. I was really excited and I was planning what I could wear with this particular shirt. When I got home and showed it to my mom, she said that it was nice..but wasn't a little tight? That simple question was enough to immediately dampen my enthusiasm for the shirt. The next day I went back to the store and asked for a refund. When I got home, my mom asked me what I ended up doing with it. I told her I asked for a refund and she said she was sorry she had made that comment. She said she would be more careful with what she said to me...I really hope she follows through on that. She also said not to take everything she says to me to heart, that she will make mistakes, too.

Point of the matter is, why did I let her opinion impact my point of view so much? Well, to be honest, I'm not exactly sure. I can, however, say that perhaps I care a little too much about what people think about me. And I LET others influence me more that they should. My mom won't ever purposely steer me wrong, but she will be wrong. She knows me well..but a lot of our values and views differ. Is it that I'm so open minded that I'll be willing to take everything people say into consideration, or is it that I don't trust my own judgment...?

One time in my junior English class, our teacher asked us what some of the traits our friends had to have in order to be our friends. She asked me directly what one of those traits had to be. My answer- which didn't go over very well with my peers-was that my "friends" had to have a certain level of intelligence.

One of the girls in my class-immediately after my response- said that she didn't have any criteria for her friends, that all they had to be was honest, trustworthy, have mutual interests and be a good friend, that she didn't care how intelligent her friends were.

After class, when I thought about what she had said, I found her comment to be somewhat hypocritical. OF COURSE we all have "criteria" for our friends! I mean, I may be taking it to extremes, but I'm sure one of her criteria was that her friends not be constant drunks or a drug dealers. And knowing her in the superficial way I did, I'm sure part of her "criteria" was that her friends not be lazy and be involved in school, whether in ASB or in sports or simply in school activities. I don't mean to sound snobby, but let's face it, we all have our list of qualities we look for in the people we interact with.

So this weekend I was trying to figure out exactly why I place so much importance on intelligence. Truth of the matter was that I simply could not come up with an answer. The more "answers" I came up with, the more confused I was. I was, however, able to put some thoughts together.

I think I look for a certain level of intelligence because it gives me and my friends topics to talk about that we find equally interesting and that, possible, we are equally knowledgeable in. Sure, I talk about television-though only of three shows- and sure I may know a thing or two about the life of celebrities, but at the end of the day the must fulfilling conversation I’ll have will deal with the proof of a theorem, the physics of the universe, or an interpretation of a story...and it can sometimes be difficult to find someone who is able to carry on a conversation about the above. And, of course, about the other person’s goals and ambitions are. I suppose what I’m trying to say is that, while some people may find it more interesting to talk about sports (big tennis fanatic, by the way) or the happenings around school or the latest break up, I’m more interested in stuff that other people would just find dull or unappealing (like the proof of a theorem).

Ending with this thought, maybe my peer is right, it’s mainly a matter of mutual interests...

So the first week of school is over. So long and yet so short!

This was such a hectic week. Getting to school at 8am everyday just to see if you'll get lucky enough to be given an add code is a lot of hard work, specially when you live in Santa Ana and it takes you AT LEAST an hour an twenty minutes to get to Fullerton (on the bus). My sleeping cycle definitely took a hit. And even during the weekend, I just can't stay asleep, my body is now too used to waking up early.  Wonder when I'll adjust to this new experience called college.

Community college is so different and yet so similar to high school.

So far, I've maintained the same group of friends, a SMALL group of friends at that. Bryan Galvan, who I've known since jr. high, and Anthony Lee, who I met just three years ago and yet it seems I've known him for a long time. Like in high school, people pass by that you don't know and you don't talk to. Cliques still exist.

However, there are also many differences. For one, I don't have to take lunch at a specific time, no one tells me when to do that. And while others might find that good, I find it hard to pick a regular time to sit down and eat. I honestly prefer to be told when to eat...and have free lunch =) The other difference, which really bothers me, is that students are allowed to smoke on campus. My dad smokes, so it's not that I'm not used to seeing such a habit. The thing that really bothers me about it is that I would think COLLEGE students would know better than to be doing such a thing. But I suppose that to each its own...whatever that means! The thing that I absolutely love about the college campus is that there is, thus far, no public displays of affection. I can walk down the hallway without having to worry about seeing a couple "make out." It's wonderful to see that college students are mature enough to keep their intimacies to themselves.

Wish a new college student good luck on this new journey! Which reminds me....

For a new student, I've actually had a lot of luck! I went to two different trigonometry classes, one at 8am and one at 12pm. By some chance of luck, both professors gave me an add code. In the end, I've decided to take the 8am class. Makes me feel bad knowing that I took the add code from another student for the 12pm class. Also, I was third on the waiting list for my English class. First class meeting came along and I was added right away! In addition to this, I auditioned for and made it into Concert Choir. A rather big honor, in my opinion. So, I've had pretty good luck, the only unlucky thing about this is that theses classes only make up 8 units, obviously not enough to be a full time student, something that I'm really bummed about. But I'm being grateful for what I have gotten. Unfortunately I won't have enough units to be a full time student this semester, but I suppose that's part of the experience of being a new student!